Sometimes the truth is harder than the pain inside

Once again, I am ‘too much’ for B, she walks away.  Because my emotions are not designed for her convenience. She tells me we said we ‘wouldn’t do this’, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t.

Though I shouldn’t be surprised at her sang froid as it’s always like this, nothing is resolved, I just have to accept being told I have to embrace the status quo I hate or walk away, cue character assassination for finding it hard putting up with something B had never put up with in the same position.

I didn’t choose to be in what she expects me to tolerate. I don’t respect her for doing this to me. I hope one day she regrets how she treated me, instead of justifying her behaviour.

She has chosen this and I am not choosing it anymore. I’m done. I’m not arguing or bargaining with her.

B wants more than one person, or if she wants one person, she is NOT me  – all this has gone on too long, I’m done.  I am just a human being too, and can’t cope with this anymore. We’re not friends. I’m not a complete human being to B. She said it enough times, how ‘mad’ she thinks I am, and now she no longer need be subjected to it. She made me feel worthless for wanting to be treated with more respect, with equality, because she wanted some guarantee from me before she decided to even give me a chance – well, I’m sorry you don’t get any guarantees if you want to start a new relationship, and you have to commit yourself to a bit more than B was willing to:  you can’t just go through collecting a bunch of women who used to be your lovers because you think you’re entitled to never lose anyone.  B’s loss. If we fuck people over and they go, we don’t have an intrinsic, lifelong entitlement to keep everyone in our life, regardless of how we treat them.

I don’t want to be B’s friend. I don’t feel she respected me.

(re: Erasure)

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