Clenched Soul

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

(c) Pablo Neruda

… she needs you. More than she loves you.

Today has been mostly spent weeping in desperate lament for rejection.  I could list all the empirical reasons why I know we could never have succeeded as a couple, but today it really hurts.  My sense of rejection is overwhelming.  And my sense of loneliness is overwhelming.  And I have made the monumental error of crying solely on her shoulder when she is the originator of all my pain.   None of this is helping.

(re: Morrissey)

I never knew time pass so slow, I wish I’d never met you or that I could bear to let you go…

At dead of night ’til break of day
endless thoughts and questions keep me awake
It’s much too late

You didn’t phone when you said you would
Do you lie?
Do you try
to keep in touch? You know you could
I’ve tried to see your point of view
but could not hear or see
for jealousy
I never knew ’til I met you

 

Crisis has hit already with you.

I have now lost track of all time, and even the time that was ours.

I told you at the start I was insanely jealous and what I’d done before.  You wouldn’t tell me what you’d done, and proud to the end, I left it at that.  I am wondering though, how when you are so violently jealous yourself you could do this to me.  That you could go home every night to someone else and I would cease to exist without you, that my life would stop because then I couldn’t breathe.

My crisis is thus: I don’t have anything material to offer you, and you’ve doubtless much to lose now.  You are not shifting for me, and of course I know you would have shifted straight away if I had the country house and the Aga.

But this isn’t the crux.  I think you are in control of me.  While I could accept that I would never have any more than the snatched glimpses and the illicit rendezvous, you told me I wanted more, you told me you wanted more, and made me want more, even as I couldn’t admit to myself I wanted that.  But you had to have me absolutely, and you worked away at me until you did.  Then offered me nothing in return.  I’ve needed you so much, and you haven’t been there, and I have had no choice.  Every time I see you it breaks my heart now because I cannot feel fulfilled knowing that loss is inevitable.  My heart is burnt out already.

This should have been our time, when we wanted each other every second of every day, and we made something together; when we found out what it was that squeezed our lungs so hard we couldn’t breathe, what clenched our cunts with words and looks and thoughts alone.  But now I feel we already missed that boat.  My heart sinks at the thought of the loss of you every time you come around.  My home is no longer my home, just the place you might entertain the thought of me when you itch, and so I scratch.  You walk away every time and I have no control of that.  Nor over what we do.

I dreamt about you when you first told me you loved me.  And you were dancing around like a maniacal pixie and I could not catch you and you floated away just out of reach, but close enough for me to see your enchanting smile.  This is what I have.  All I have.  And I have no power and you break my heart.

I really don’t understand you and what you do, and how you feel about me.  Most of me thinks you are playing a game where you watch me break, and if I go too far you always reel me back.  Because you need to be loved by more than just one person.  That part of me doesn’t believe you love me, because I think I know how you love others.  Your capacity for falling in love is so much greater than mine.

But I have fallen in love with you.  And I’m petrified of losing you.  I hate the changes we go through because I do not have the emotional experience to comprehend what is happening to us, and what might one day happen, other than what my experience tells me is inevitable loss.  I know I have never felt what I feel for you before, nor wanted what I want with you.

(re: the Pet Shop Boys)